Going Around the Same Mountain.

"In this you greatly rejoice, even though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been distressed by various trials, so that the proof of your faith, being more precious than gold which is perishable, even though tested by fire, may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ." 
1Peter 1:6,7

I'm such a whiner and coward that I have always hated going through dark times. Times of depression, sickness, pain, family troubles and deaths of those I love. I know from my attitude during these times that my faith is weak and I have a lot to learn. I had read that we become better people because of suffering, but that was a small comfort.

I started noticing that when I failed a test badly that later on the test came again, perhaps years later, but you can bet I noticed it was the same test. 

Example: My oldest daughter went through 27 hours of terrible pain when she was in childbirth. Finally, she had to have a cesarian section. Watching her writhing in pain for so many hours deeply affected me. I thought of all the women in the world who had died giving birth and this thought made me angry at God. This was a new feeling for me; I had never felt angry at God before.

I went through years of questioning the wisdom of God and his love for us. I quit praying and reading the Bible. I wanted nothing to do with him. After a few years of this, I got sick of my angry attitude and asked him to forgive me and take me back. I could feel his presence immediately. I said to him, "I might get mad at you again!" I felt him speak to my mind, "I can take anything you can dish out." Wow. I was amazed and humbled by God's own humility and love for me.

Years later, after my youngest daughter had three children she became sick with a super-bug that would not leave her body. It was lodged in her tonsils, but they couldn't operate right away. One day she became worse and was in such terrible pain she couldn't swallow. Doctors said they had never seen a throat like hers. Eventually, they operated and one day, while she was recuperating at home, she began to spit up blood. Her husband and I were with her and he rushed her to the hospital. I remember standing at the window looking at them drive away and knowing she could die and I might never see her alive again.

Was I angry at God through all of this pain and threat of death? Honestly, no, not for one moment, which still shocks me. I prayed for my daughter and then left her in God's hands for whatever he decided for her life. She did make it, barely. To stop the bleeding they had to pack her throat with cocaine, at least that's what my son-in-law said. The surgeon had nicked something during her first operation and it was repaired.

So, what does going through fire with God mean? Somehow, through the Holy Spirit I guess, we learn from one suffering how to get through the second with more faith and courage. I mean, everyone suffers in this world. Those without God, I don't know what they learn. But, I'm a Christian and I think I learned a bit. I think I learned to accept the sufferings of those I love and leave them in God's hands.

I will sheepishly share Mountain #2 that I went through recently. I know there are many, many Christians who have more faith and trust in God than I do. I just want to share what I have learned through suffering.

My Personal Feelings on Suffering.

After my previous post on how to see suffering as a blessing I thought I would share my feelings on it. I think I understand intellectually the reasons for suffering but emotionally it is very difficult. I can understand the good that can come out of suffering, yet I feel upset and frightened by it.

It is all very easy to write about suffering but something else to go through it. Does it drive me to closer communion with God? Yes, definitely. Is that a blessing? Yes. But am I glad I went through the suffering? No. Am I grateful for the suffering? No. But I can say if I would not have given my life to God without this suffering than I am grateful for it.

Last night my granddaughter told me that when she gets her driving license she is going to drive all night long every night. She is so happy about this. I am sad. She has obsessive/compulsive disorder and can't sleep at night. Since she was little she has been up all night and sleeps in the day. We had hoped this would get better but it hasn't so far.

For years her mother has had to drive her around at night when she was frightened. That finally stopped a year ago, but now she is planning to do it herself when she has a license. What her future will be, I don't know. All our hearts have been broken from what she has been through. She is heartbroken herself. She has suffered immensely in many ways. Can I rejoice in this? No. Might this lead her to God? Yes, it might. She understands suffering, she is compassionate and she understands mental illness. This is a good thing but it came from years of terrible suffering. Right now she is angry at God because he didn't heal her illness.

So, have I really learned anything? Well, yes I think so. I'm not angry at God any more. I understand the reasons for suffering, which is very important to me. I always want to know the why of everything - especially this subject. And to know that suffering can make us better people is a comfort in a way.

God did not create us to suffer. He created us to be happy in Him. He created us to enjoy life and all its beauty. No wonder suffering feels like it doesn't belong in our life - we weren't made for it. But He can help us through it. He can carry us through it. And for that I am grateful.

I guess I write about suffering a lot. I do it because I struggle with it. I'll move on to other subjects next time. Love to all.