Psalm 55 - Cast Your Cares Away.

My heart is in anguish within me;
the terrors of death have fallen on me.
Fear and trembling have beset me;
horror has overwhelmed me.

I said, “Oh, that I had the wings of a dove!
I would fly away and be at rest.
I would flee far away
and stay in the desert;
I would hurry to my place of shelter,
far from the tempest and storm. Verses 4-8

I remember feeling exactly like this when my grandson was addicted to drugs and in trouble all the time. I was in anguish. I was afraid he would die. I was full of fear.

Like David, I used to think, "If only I could fly away." One day My grandson was beaten and threatened by a drug dealer. I will never forget washing his own blood out of his jacket. I decided to go away for awhile; I went to stay at my sister's house far away in Nevada. But when I came home after three months nothing had changed.

We can't run away from our problems. I had to learn to live with the pain and lean on God for strength.

As for me, I call to God,
and the Lord saves me.
Evening, morning and noon
I cry out in distress,
and he hears my voice. Verses 16,17

Cast your cares on the Lord
and he will sustain you;
he will never let
the righteous be shaken.  Verse 22

God did sustain me. My grandson did die, not from drugs but from drinking too much, asthma and sleeping face down on a soft sofa. I was surprised I didn't fall completely apart because the worst had happened. But God gives strength when it is needed. I still miss my grandson; I still grieve, but with hope because he believed in God. He prayed. His addictions were just too strong; but I believe God understands and forgives. I will see my grandson again. We have not been shaken out of God's hands.

Death Can Be Love.

My husband and I were talking about our grandson, Craig, who died a year and a half ago. I said something about not understanding why Craig had to die when so many other of his friends who had the same problems haven't died. My husband said, "When I pray, God says, 'Because I loved Craig. He died because I love him.' "

I have to say, that thought never crossed my mind and it gave me peace. It shows how little I know God because I rarely think that he loves people. I say it all the time, but I don't think I really believe it. When I pray for my daughters and grandchildren, I feel I have to convince God to love them as much as I do and save their souls. I've realized that deep down I don't really believe God loves me either.

I remember once Craig said to me, "God couldn't love me. I've done too many bad things." I said, "Craig, God loves you more than I do." I said it because the Bible says it, but did I really believe it? I don't think so. I feel sad about that and I've talked with God about it.

I guess in a world where people only love you when you are lovely it is hard to believe God's love. The Bible says it is an "unfailing" love. Everything in this world is conditional and it is hard to grasp this unconditional love of God. But I am trying.