Nightmares of the Past.

Backgarden of a dream" , by Erik Pevernagie, oil on canvas, 88 x 66 cm

https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/User:Onlysilence

"They" say that if a person has bottled up all kinds of pain in their hearts and never dealt with it that person will have a crisis when they are in their forties. That happened to me. I started having terrible nightmares. Nightmares that took me back to my childhood when my father had abused me physically and sexually.

I started going to therapy, and the nightmares helped me understand what was going on in my mind. I would write them down and share them with my therapist. But there was a big problem along with the nightmares and that was my attitude towards them. Instead of seeing them as a tool to help me, I saw them as a form of torture. I would wake up screaming or crying. I would feel depressed all day after having one. I would be afraid to go to bed at night. I got angry at God.

Recently, after being all done dealing with my father, some new nightmares came visiting. They were about another member of my family. I was in therapy at the time and my therapist had asked me, "Do you think you have really forgiven your father?" I said I did think so. But, I told her there was one family member I may not have forgiven.

I told her that when I knew this person was coming over I would feel upset. My thoughts were not always kind towards them. I said, "I think I need to talk this over with God. I thought I had forgiven this person."

Then the dreams started. No, I had not forgiven. One dream was so terrible I was beside myself when I woke up. I said to God, "Why do I have to go through this?" So, I started praying each day about it and suddenly one day this person didn't bother me any more! I loved having them over to my house.

I don't understand why I can't just be magically healed of the past, like making the blind see. Why can't it be that easy when your mind is broken?  I guess it just can't. I finally feel thankful for all the awful dreams because they have pushed me along the road to healing. God knows what he is doing; and even if something is painful for awhile, he will use it to bring true healing.

I know war veterans have nightmares, and I am so sorry for that. I hope they will go to a therapist about it because I doubt I would have gotten better without someone to talk to about my nightmares, pain and feelings. "They" say dreams are about things in our lives we have never resolved that need resolving.
Now, when I see my father in my dreams he does not harm me. He makes a sort of 'cameo' appearance. Lol  "Oh yeah, there's Dad. Why is he here? I thought he was dead." He doesn't scare me any more. Maybe, now that I have truly forgiven the other person in the family, maybe I am done. Maybe I am actually free of the past.