Why Do I Do What I Don't Want to Do?

"For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do." Galatians 5:17

"For I joyfully concur with the law of God in the inner man, but I see a different law in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin which is in my members.  Wretched man that I am! Who will set me free from the body of this death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin. There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has set you free from the law of sin and of death." 

Romans 7:22 - 8:2 

This is what I want to do: Be just like Jesus. Love everyone, no matter what they do or say. Never say the wrong thing. Never hurt anyone. Love God with all my mind and heart. I'm afraid my actual life is far from these ideals.

The other day, my husband started talking about a man we had known many years ago. We had found out he had molested his daughter and beat his wife. My husband remembered the good times we had had with this family and said, "I wonder where he is now?"  I said, "Well, I hope he is dead."

Hmm, then I laughed and said, "You know, I worry about people who are lost and I pray for them, but when it comes to someone I know personally who did something horrible, I want them to be lost and dead as a door nail."  I've forgiven my father for molesting me, yet I hate this other guy who did the same thing.

I'm with Paul. "Wretched man that I am. Who will deliver me..."  

From time to time, (actually, lots of times) when I think I'm doing pretty good, the Lord will show me my true self - the hateful, unforgiving, selfish self that I am. But thank God, I know he loves me anyway. He just doesn't want me to think I can be or do anything truly good without him. He wants me to see I am still a sinful creature who falls and will stay down unless he lifts me up. 

I used to be afraid of God when I would do something wrong, but I have learned he still loves me. My sins don't surprise him like they do me!

"I love you, LORD; you are my strength.  The LORD is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, My God, my rock, in whom I take refuge; My shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold."   
Psalm 18:1