Going Around the Same Mountain.

"In this you greatly rejoice, even though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been distressed by various trials, so that the proof of your faith, being more precious than gold which is perishable, even though tested by fire, may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ." 
1Peter 1:6,7

I'm such a whiner and coward that I have always hated going through dark times. Times of depression, sickness, pain, family troubles and deaths of those I love. I know from my attitude during these times that my faith is weak and I have a lot to learn. I had read that we become better people because of suffering, but that was a small comfort.

I started noticing that when I failed a test badly that later on the test came again, perhaps years later, but you can bet I noticed it was the same test. 

Example: My oldest daughter went through 27 hours of terrible pain when she was in childbirth. Finally, she had to have a cesarian section. Watching her writhing in pain for so many hours deeply affected me. I thought of all the women in the world who had died giving birth and this thought made me angry at God. This was a new feeling for me; I had never felt angry at God before.

I went through years of questioning the wisdom of God and his love for us. I quit praying and reading the Bible. I wanted nothing to do with him. After a few years of this, I got sick of my angry attitude and asked him to forgive me and take me back. I could feel his presence immediately. I said to him, "I might get mad at you again!" I felt him speak to my mind, "I can take anything you can dish out." Wow. I was amazed and humbled by God's own humility and love for me.

Years later, after my youngest daughter had three children she became sick with a super-bug that would not leave her body. It was lodged in her tonsils, but they couldn't operate right away. One day she became worse and was in such terrible pain she couldn't swallow. Doctors said they had never seen a throat like hers. Eventually, they operated and one day, while she was recuperating at home, she began to spit up blood. Her husband and I were with her and he rushed her to the hospital. I remember standing at the window looking at them drive away and knowing she could die and I might never see her alive again.

Was I angry at God through all of this pain and threat of death? Honestly, no, not for one moment, which still shocks me. I prayed for my daughter and then left her in God's hands for whatever he decided for her life. She did make it, barely. To stop the bleeding they had to pack her throat with cocaine, at least that's what my son-in-law said. The surgeon had nicked something during her first operation and it was repaired.

So, what does going through fire with God mean? Somehow, through the Holy Spirit I guess, we learn from one suffering how to get through the second with more faith and courage. I mean, everyone suffers in this world. Those without God, I don't know what they learn. But, I'm a Christian and I think I learned a bit. I think I learned to accept the sufferings of those I love and leave them in God's hands.

I will sheepishly share Mountain #2 that I went through recently. I know there are many, many Christians who have more faith and trust in God than I do. I just want to share what I have learned through suffering.