What Do You Do When You are Anxious?

I have mentioned before that I have a mental illness but there are probably some reading this who don't know that. Anyway, I have social phobia, traumatic stress disorder and Obsessive thinking and when I'm really sick, I have delusions. Lots of fun.

I am back in therapy since I got very sick this fall. She is helping me think differently; I am a negative thinker, especially about myself. I started to write journals with the help of Brave Girls Club. I find this helpful.

The last two weeks, my sister was visiting from Washington State. She is the one who is homeless. She used to live with us but was too allergic to the pollens here and had to leave. Since she was here, my mom and daughters came to visit a lot and I used to love all the hustle and bustle; but now I am sick and it was hard.

I felt anxious right away and it got worse so I said to myself, "What did my therapist say to do?" For the life of me I couldn't remember. So, I just decided to thank God for what was good and I felt a bit better. The next day I re-read my journals which helped a lot. The third day, I remembered. I'm supposed to write down my feelings if they are overwhelming so I did. I write in the form of a prayer, giving these feelings to God. Each day I felt more peace and I thank God for his strength.

I realized, from reading my first journal, that I wasn't saying positive things every day. This is the most important thing for me to do and I didn't do it. I always wonder why I seldom keep up with the things I am supposed to do. It is so alien for me to think on purpose instead of just going along with whatever comes into my head.

Tonight, I am going to print out positive thoughts and cut each one out and put them in a box so when I feel bad I will run to the box for help. I thought I'd share this idea with those of you who are depressed and negative.

So, why is a Christian depressed and negative? Well, childhood abuse. So, why aren't I all healed up at 65 yrs. old? I don't know and I don't care. I have to keep plugging along with the life God gave me. He didn't give me depression; he helps me walk through it. If I were smarter or had more faith maybe I'd be a ball of sunshine! Hasn't happened, and as far as I can see it never will. Sunshiny thinking is something I will work on til I go to heaven and that's okay. Endurance is a fruit of the Spirit and God will give it to me.  Love to all of you.

Years of Pain.

I have fibromyalgia. I've had it for about 20 years. I've learned that for me the pain comes from histamines in food and of course in different plants. Exhaustion is the worst symptom because I take care of most of the pain by anti-histamines and with cold pills.

After these years of being sick, I sometimes get angry and close to bitter about it. If I eat the wrong food or go to a restaurant I get weaker and sicker. It is almost impossible for me to stay on an anti-histamine diet every day. I'm so weak now I need my husband's help to go grocery shopping.

Anyway, I was kind of upset yesterday because I'd been extra sick for a long time; just going from the bed to the sofa; needing a chair by the stove so I don't have to stand too long when I'm cooking. So, I was feeling angry, but I know that gets me nowhere so I had my morning reading and talking with God. I asked him for patience and joy, which he lovingly supplied. I felt really happy.

But again, I woke up this morning and immediately felt angry again about my illness. I reached for my Bible and the first verse I read said,

"For you have need of endurance, so that after you have done the will of God you may receive the promise.
For after a little while, he who is coming will come and will not tarry. Now the just shall live by faith. If anyone draws back, my soul has no pleasure in him."   Hebrews 10:36-38

I smiled, because God always gives me verses at just the right time. Endurance - yeah, I'm not too good at that. I usually want to chuck everything in and give up. In fact, I have longed to leave this earth and be with God. But I have to wait until the time comes for that.

Paul says:
"Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance,  and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us."  Romans 5:3-5

I remember when I read that verse years ago when I was trying to understand why we suffer. I thought, "Who cares about endurance? I just want to get off this earth and finally feel good." 

I've always known that being full of love for God and others was the most important fruit of the Spirit. I don't mind suffering in order to be loving; but I don't want to suffer in order to have endurance. It doesn't seem worth any amount of suffering to me.

But of course, I must be wrong because God is always right and so endurance must be important. Here is a definition:

endurance

noun

1. the act of enduring
2. the power of enduring; specif.,
   1. ability to last, continue, or remain
   2. ability to stand pain, distress, fatigue, etc.; fortitude
3. duration
4. RARE that which is endured; hardship

James 1:3-4  says, "For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow.  And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing."   Apparently, endurance has a perfect result!

The word, endurance, does remind me of the parable of the sower that Jesus told to the people. Some people who come to God eventually leave Him because of persecution, suffering, riches, worries, desires and the cares of this life. Mark 4.

If these people had endured to the end of their lives, they would have been saved. But they didn't endure. Jesus said they had no depth, no root. So, even though they had first accepted Jesus with joy - they didn't endure and were lost.

Everyone on earth suffers if they live long enough. No one is exempt; but God brings good out of everything and the good thing is patience and endurance.

Yes, I need endurance. We all need endurance and we can get it from only one place:

"Now may the God who gives endurance and encouragement allow you to live in harmony with one another, according to the command of Christ Jesus."  Romans 15:5