I Stumbled and Fell then Went Around A Mountain.

"Now to the one who is able to keep you from falling and to make you stand joyful and faultless in his glorious presence, to the only God, our Savior, through Jesus the Messiah, our Lord, be glory, majesty, power, and authority before all time and for all eternity! Amen."  Jude 1:24,25

I wrote about going around the same mountain as a Christian. You fail and fall and God picks you up and you go around the mountain again. It is like learning to ride a bike. First you fall, but with practice you start to soar and you can go down steep hills and keep your balance.

A mountain I've been going around all my life has been hopelessness and depression. I've battled it, but sometimes it gets the better of me. When I was 14, I took a bunch of sleeping pills. I had my stomach pumped and was sent to a psychiatrist. I'm afraid he wasn't much help which was due to my attitude.

There have been times since then that I thought about going through with suicide, mostly in my fifties and sixties. I would get to a point of feeling there was no hope for me to ever feel happiness again and it didn't seem worth living. This came to a head last summer.

Something happened in my family, some misunderstandings, and I felt completely devastated. I felt unloved and so alone. I knew I had God, but it just wasn't enough so I took sleeping pills once again. My husband came home and found me unconscious. I woke in the hospital, spoke to a psychiatrist and went home. I started weekly therapy and began to get better. I started to do all I could do to think positive thoughts and write down my negative thoughts and give them to God immediately - as soon as I started feeling sad. This was working and I started feeling happy; not just content, but actually joyous.

Then, something happened in the family that was close to what happened the time I took the pills. I hung up the phone and I heard God speak in my mind, "What are you going to do Belle? Are you going to take pills again?" I said, "No, Lord. I've learned you are enough for me. I don't need the approval or love of anyone else but you." And it was true, I felt calm about the whole incident.

Now, how did I learn that in a few months? I have no idea. I do know that it is hard to change without living through an experience. Just reading about how to trust God in all circumstances isn't the same as doing it because you have to. Maybe it was because I now had hope because the things I was doing were helping me think positive. Hope is so important. Everyone needs hope for their future.

 "Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that you will abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13

It is interesting God is called the "God of Hope". He is everything good, and hope is good. Even if we are dying right now, we can still have hope. Hope in a future with God and happiness forever.

What Do You Do When You are Anxious?

I have mentioned before that I have a mental illness but there are probably some reading this who don't know that. Anyway, I have social phobia, traumatic stress disorder and Obsessive thinking and when I'm really sick, I have delusions. Lots of fun.

I am back in therapy since I got very sick this fall. She is helping me think differently; I am a negative thinker, especially about myself. I started to write journals with the help of Brave Girls Club. I find this helpful.

The last two weeks, my sister was visiting from Washington State. She is the one who is homeless. She used to live with us but was too allergic to the pollens here and had to leave. Since she was here, my mom and daughters came to visit a lot and I used to love all the hustle and bustle; but now I am sick and it was hard.

I felt anxious right away and it got worse so I said to myself, "What did my therapist say to do?" For the life of me I couldn't remember. So, I just decided to thank God for what was good and I felt a bit better. The next day I re-read my journals which helped a lot. The third day, I remembered. I'm supposed to write down my feelings if they are overwhelming so I did. I write in the form of a prayer, giving these feelings to God. Each day I felt more peace and I thank God for his strength.

I realized, from reading my first journal, that I wasn't saying positive things every day. This is the most important thing for me to do and I didn't do it. I always wonder why I seldom keep up with the things I am supposed to do. It is so alien for me to think on purpose instead of just going along with whatever comes into my head.

Tonight, I am going to print out positive thoughts and cut each one out and put them in a box so when I feel bad I will run to the box for help. I thought I'd share this idea with those of you who are depressed and negative.

So, why is a Christian depressed and negative? Well, childhood abuse. So, why aren't I all healed up at 65 yrs. old? I don't know and I don't care. I have to keep plugging along with the life God gave me. He didn't give me depression; he helps me walk through it. If I were smarter or had more faith maybe I'd be a ball of sunshine! Hasn't happened, and as far as I can see it never will. Sunshiny thinking is something I will work on til I go to heaven and that's okay. Endurance is a fruit of the Spirit and God will give it to me.  Love to all of you.

Why Am I Sad?

Psalm 42

For the director of music. A maskil of the Sons of Korah.

As the deer pants for streams of water,

so my soul pants for you, my God.

My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.

When can I go and meet with God?

My tears have been my food

day and night,

while people say to me all day long,

“Where is your God?”

These things I remember

as I pour out my soul:

how I used to go to the house of God

under the protection of the Mighty One

with shouts of joy and praise

among the festive throng.

Why, my soul, are you downcast?

Why so disturbed within me?

Put your hope in God,

for I will yet praise him,

my Savior and my God.

My soul is downcast within me;

therefore I will remember you

from the land of the Jordan,

the heights of Hermon—from Mount Mizar.

Deep calls to deep

in the roar of your waterfalls;

all your waves and breakers

have swept over me.

By day the Lord directs his love,

at night his song is with me—

a prayer to the God of my life.

I say to God my Rock,

“Why have you forgotten me?

Why must I go about mourning,

oppressed by the enemy?”

My bones suffer mortal agony

as my foes taunt me,

saying to me all day long,

“Where is your God?”

Why, my soul, are you downcast?

Why so disturbed within me?

Put your hope in God,

for I will yet praise him,

my Savior and my God.

I think the passage below is a good commentary on Psalm 42. When I am depressed I now realize I will come out of it by the power of the Holy Spirit if I give my feelings to Him and also fix my mind on positive things. I do this by music, reading, and training my mind to think good thoughts. I am also in therapy which helps tremendously.

There are many reasons we may feel sad, legitimate reasons. However, after we have recognized the sadness, we can then work to move to a happier place. There is a time for grief, we should not push it down. Give the grief to God and ask him to help you live your life in peace and joy. He will do this; he has promised in his Word.

Benson Commentary:
http://biblehub.com/commentaries/barnes/psalms/42.htm

"This is an earnest remonstrance addressed by himself to his own soul, as if there were really no occasion for this excessive depression; as if he cherished his grief improperly. There was a brighter side, and he ought to turn to that, and take a more cheerful view of the matter. He had allowed his mind to rest on the dark side, to look at the discouraging things in his condition. He now felt that this was in some measure voluntary, or had been indulged too freely, and that it was wrong: that it was proper for a man like him to seek for comfort in brighter views; that it was a duty which he owed to himself and to the cause of religion to take brighter views. We may remark,

(1) That there are two sides to the events which occur, and which seem so discouraging to us - a dark side and a bright side.

(2) That in certain states of mind, connected often with a diseased nervous system, we are prone to look only on the dark side, to see only what is gloomy and discouraging.

(3) That this often becomes in a sense voluntary, and that we find a melancholy satisfaction in being miserable, and in making ourselves more unhappy, as if we had been wronged, and as if there were a kind of virtue in dejection and gloom - in "refusing," like Rachel, "to be comforted" Jeremiah 31:15; perhaps also feeling as if by this we were deserving of the divine approbation, and laying the foundation for some claim to favor on the score of merit.

(4) That in this we are often eminently guilty, as putting away those consolations which God has provided for us; as if a man, under the influence of some morbid feeling, should find a kind of melancholy pleasure in starving himself to death in the midst of a garden full of fruit, or dying of thirst by, the side of a running fountain. And

(5) That it is the duty of the people of God to look at the bright side of things; to think of the past mercies of God; to SURVEY the blessings which surround us still; to look to the future, in this world and the next, with hope; and to come to God, and cast the burden on him. It is a part of religious duty to be cheerful; and a man may often do more real good by a cheerful and submissive mind in times of affliction, than he could by much active effort in the days of health, plenty, and prosperity. Every sad and desponding Christian ought to say to his soul, "Why art thou thus cast down?"

Hope thou in God - That is, trust in him, with the hope that he will interpose and restore thee to the privileges and comforts heretofore enjoyed. The soul turns to God when all other hope fails, and finds comfort in the belief that he can and will aid us.

For I shall yet praise him - Margin, give thanks. The idea is, that he would yet have occasion to give him thanks for his merciful interposition. This implies a strong assurance that these troubles would not last always."

Psalm 6 - God Hears Our Cry.

Psalm 6 In my own words.

Lord, forgive my sins and have mercy on me.

I feel faint, in agony and my soul is in deep pain.

How long must I feel this way? How long?

Lord, deliver me from this because your love for me never fails.

Perhaps I should die; but who praises you from the grave?

I am so tired of crying day and night. My pillow is wet with tears and my eyes are full of sorrow.

But the Lord has heard my weeping.
The Lord has heard my cry for mercy.
The Lord accepts my prayer.

I have felt like this many times. But if I keep praying the Lord comforts me and lifts me up.

Counseling.

I went to see a counselor today for my depression and was overjoyed to find out she was a Christian too. God has worked things out for me this way many times. At different times in my life I have needed some counseling. More often than not my therapists have been Christians who easily understood my references to God.

We talked about writing in a daily journal. She said the reason this helps people so much is that our minds become too full of feelings and thoughts and if we don't talk about these different feelings with someone we can feel overwhelmed. She said that after you write each day you then throw the paper away and not read it again. This is so you don't emphasize those feelings to yourself over again.

So, I will be doing this and see how it works. I used to write my prayers down each day because I found it so hard to concentrate. I don't need to do that any longer and I will move on to writing about my feelings and thoughts, and will probably address them to God. It is wonderful how God uses different people to help you in your life and I thank and praise him for this.

In the Bible, Moses received counsel from his father-in-law and it helped him. God can use other people to help you and me also.

Moses' father-in-law replied, "What you are doing is not good. You and these people who come to you will only wear yourselves out. The work is too heavy for you; you cannot handle it alone. 

Listen now to me and I will give you some advice, and may God be with you. You must be the people's representative before God and bring their disputes to him. Teach them his decrees and instructions, and show them the way they are to live and how they are to behave.

 But select capable men from all the people--men who fear God, trustworthy men who hate dishonest gain--and appoint them as officials over thousands, hundreds, fifties and tens. Have them serve as judges for the people at all times, but have them bring every difficult case to you; the simple cases they can decide themselves. That will make your load lighter, because they will share it with you. If you do this and God so commands, you will be able to stand the strain, and all these people will go home satisfied." Moses listened to his father-in-law and did everything he said.  Exodus 18:24

Big Picture/Small Picture.

Someone who has a chronic illness told me they wished life could be the way it was before. She had years of happiness; a job, money and friends. All that is gone now. Why couldn't she be happy like that again?

I told her I had years like that too. The years my girls were young were my happiest. My husband and I were healthy and strong. We had good times camping and hiking. Those days are gone for me also. My husband has a chronic illness, I have a mental illness and my dear grandson has died.

I said, "You are looking at the 'Big Picture'. You now have to look at the small joys of life. Didn't we laugh and have fun when we were watching some cooking shows? Didn't we have a great time playing Scrabble? Didn't we enjoy watching that crazy 'Green Lantern' movie?

When life has gone south - it is the small joys of life that can keep us happy. Ask God for that mindset. And  reading the Bible, gaining strength, hope and happiness from God is the way to that mindset. I can then look at the even 'Bigger Picture' of God's kingdom and the life I will have there one day. I can see life from God's perspective. This is the 'hope' that the Bible speaks of; the hope of another life with eternal happiness and peace.

Emotions

Last week my grandson got into some trouble. In the past, I would have been crying and depressed about what had happened. But after using the principles taught to me by Joyce Meyer, I didn't cry, I didn't get depressed and not only that, I had great peace.

Joyce has taught me to, "Think on purpose." I no longer have to let my feelings and thoughts lead me. I can choose not to think negative and sad thoughts. I can choose to think positive and trusting thoughts. This has been a wonderful thing for me. I have been tested and found peace in the midst of chaos. Praise God!

I now believe with faith the verse, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

Renew Your Mind.

"Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind." Romans 12:2

There is a dynamic principle shown throughout God's Word, and no person will ever walk in victory unless he understands and operates in it: right action follows right thinking.

Let me put it another way: you will not change your behaviour until you change your thoughts.

In God's order of things, right thinking comes first, and right action follows.

"Be constantly renewed in the spirit of your mind." Ephesians 4:24

These are quotes from the book, Battlefield In Your Mind, by Joyce Meyer.

Joyce helped me so much in my Christian walk. I used to wake up each morning wishing I had never been born. I hated facing a new day with all the problems it may throw at me. I used to ask God to let me die and have some peace.

This was my state of mind when I read this book. I wrote down all her suggestions on how to think differently. I read them every morning and quoted the Bible out loud as she instructed. Immediately I felt better about my life. Soon I didn't need to read the list of instructions, it just came naturally to think right thoughts.

My inner life has changed completely. I wake up happy to be alive. When something bad happens I now know that with God I can face it. I am so thankful to God and Joyce.