I Stumbled and Fell then Went Around A Mountain.

"Now to the one who is able to keep you from falling and to make you stand joyful and faultless in his glorious presence, to the only God, our Savior, through Jesus the Messiah, our Lord, be glory, majesty, power, and authority before all time and for all eternity! Amen."  Jude 1:24,25

I wrote about going around the same mountain as a Christian. You fail and fall and God picks you up and you go around the mountain again. It is like learning to ride a bike. First you fall, but with practice you start to soar and you can go down steep hills and keep your balance.

A mountain I've been going around all my life has been hopelessness and depression. I've battled it, but sometimes it gets the better of me. When I was 14, I took a bunch of sleeping pills. I had my stomach pumped and was sent to a psychiatrist. I'm afraid he wasn't much help which was due to my attitude.

There have been times since then that I thought about going through with suicide, mostly in my fifties and sixties. I would get to a point of feeling there was no hope for me to ever feel happiness again and it didn't seem worth living. This came to a head last summer.

Something happened in my family, some misunderstandings, and I felt completely devastated. I felt unloved and so alone. I knew I had God, but it just wasn't enough so I took sleeping pills once again. My husband came home and found me unconscious. I woke in the hospital, spoke to a psychiatrist and went home. I started weekly therapy and began to get better. I started to do all I could do to think positive thoughts and write down my negative thoughts and give them to God immediately - as soon as I started feeling sad. This was working and I started feeling happy; not just content, but actually joyous.

Then, something happened in the family that was close to what happened the time I took the pills. I hung up the phone and I heard God speak in my mind, "What are you going to do Belle? Are you going to take pills again?" I said, "No, Lord. I've learned you are enough for me. I don't need the approval or love of anyone else but you." And it was true, I felt calm about the whole incident.

Now, how did I learn that in a few months? I have no idea. I do know that it is hard to change without living through an experience. Just reading about how to trust God in all circumstances isn't the same as doing it because you have to. Maybe it was because I now had hope because the things I was doing were helping me think positive. Hope is so important. Everyone needs hope for their future.

 "Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that you will abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13

It is interesting God is called the "God of Hope". He is everything good, and hope is good. Even if we are dying right now, we can still have hope. Hope in a future with God and happiness forever.

Years of Pain.

I have fibromyalgia. I've had it for about 20 years. I've learned that for me the pain comes from histamines in food and of course in different plants. Exhaustion is the worst symptom because I take care of most of the pain by anti-histamines and with cold pills.

After these years of being sick, I sometimes get angry and close to bitter about it. If I eat the wrong food or go to a restaurant I get weaker and sicker. It is almost impossible for me to stay on an anti-histamine diet every day. I'm so weak now I need my husband's help to go grocery shopping.

Anyway, I was kind of upset yesterday because I'd been extra sick for a long time; just going from the bed to the sofa; needing a chair by the stove so I don't have to stand too long when I'm cooking. So, I was feeling angry, but I know that gets me nowhere so I had my morning reading and talking with God. I asked him for patience and joy, which he lovingly supplied. I felt really happy.

But again, I woke up this morning and immediately felt angry again about my illness. I reached for my Bible and the first verse I read said,

"For you have need of endurance, so that after you have done the will of God you may receive the promise.
For after a little while, he who is coming will come and will not tarry. Now the just shall live by faith. If anyone draws back, my soul has no pleasure in him."   Hebrews 10:36-38

I smiled, because God always gives me verses at just the right time. Endurance - yeah, I'm not too good at that. I usually want to chuck everything in and give up. In fact, I have longed to leave this earth and be with God. But I have to wait until the time comes for that.

Paul says:
"Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance,  and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us."  Romans 5:3-5

I remember when I read that verse years ago when I was trying to understand why we suffer. I thought, "Who cares about endurance? I just want to get off this earth and finally feel good." 

I've always known that being full of love for God and others was the most important fruit of the Spirit. I don't mind suffering in order to be loving; but I don't want to suffer in order to have endurance. It doesn't seem worth any amount of suffering to me.

But of course, I must be wrong because God is always right and so endurance must be important. Here is a definition:

endurance

noun

1. the act of enduring
2. the power of enduring; specif.,
   1. ability to last, continue, or remain
   2. ability to stand pain, distress, fatigue, etc.; fortitude
3. duration
4. RARE that which is endured; hardship

James 1:3-4  says, "For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow.  And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing."   Apparently, endurance has a perfect result!

The word, endurance, does remind me of the parable of the sower that Jesus told to the people. Some people who come to God eventually leave Him because of persecution, suffering, riches, worries, desires and the cares of this life. Mark 4.

If these people had endured to the end of their lives, they would have been saved. But they didn't endure. Jesus said they had no depth, no root. So, even though they had first accepted Jesus with joy - they didn't endure and were lost.

Everyone on earth suffers if they live long enough. No one is exempt; but God brings good out of everything and the good thing is patience and endurance.

Yes, I need endurance. We all need endurance and we can get it from only one place:

"Now may the God who gives endurance and encouragement allow you to live in harmony with one another, according to the command of Christ Jesus."  Romans 15:5