I Stumbled and Fell then Went Around A Mountain.

"Now to the one who is able to keep you from falling and to make you stand joyful and faultless in his glorious presence, to the only God, our Savior, through Jesus the Messiah, our Lord, be glory, majesty, power, and authority before all time and for all eternity! Amen."  Jude 1:24,25

I wrote about going around the same mountain as a Christian. You fail and fall and God picks you up and you go around the mountain again. It is like learning to ride a bike. First you fall, but with practice you start to soar and you can go down steep hills and keep your balance.

A mountain I've been going around all my life has been hopelessness and depression. I've battled it, but sometimes it gets the better of me. When I was 14, I took a bunch of sleeping pills. I had my stomach pumped and was sent to a psychiatrist. I'm afraid he wasn't much help which was due to my attitude.

There have been times since then that I thought about going through with suicide, mostly in my fifties and sixties. I would get to a point of feeling there was no hope for me to ever feel happiness again and it didn't seem worth living. This came to a head last summer.

Something happened in my family, some misunderstandings, and I felt completely devastated. I felt unloved and so alone. I knew I had God, but it just wasn't enough so I took sleeping pills once again. My husband came home and found me unconscious. I woke in the hospital, spoke to a psychiatrist and went home. I started weekly therapy and began to get better. I started to do all I could do to think positive thoughts and write down my negative thoughts and give them to God immediately - as soon as I started feeling sad. This was working and I started feeling happy; not just content, but actually joyous.

Then, something happened in the family that was close to what happened the time I took the pills. I hung up the phone and I heard God speak in my mind, "What are you going to do Belle? Are you going to take pills again?" I said, "No, Lord. I've learned you are enough for me. I don't need the approval or love of anyone else but you." And it was true, I felt calm about the whole incident.

Now, how did I learn that in a few months? I have no idea. I do know that it is hard to change without living through an experience. Just reading about how to trust God in all circumstances isn't the same as doing it because you have to. Maybe it was because I now had hope because the things I was doing were helping me think positive. Hope is so important. Everyone needs hope for their future.

 "Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that you will abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13

It is interesting God is called the "God of Hope". He is everything good, and hope is good. Even if we are dying right now, we can still have hope. Hope in a future with God and happiness forever.

Worry, Fear and Catastrophic Thinking.

"Catastrophic thinking can be defined as ruminating about irrational worst-case outcomes."
 https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/in-the-face-adversity/201103/catastrophic-thinking

"A person who suffers from Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) experiences a constant, uncontrollable worry and anxiety related to different aspects of life." 
http://web4health.info/gr/answers/anx-generalized-anxiety-syndrom.htm

Something in the side of my throat was throbbing intermittently with pain. My first thought? "It must be a tumor. Probably cancer. They will have to operate and I'll lose my speech and have a hole in my throat."

I go to the doctor. She looks down my throat and says, "You have a cold." 
Huh?

I've never had a cold that acted like this one, but it turned out she was right. I got a sore throat and headaches and then it all went away. Meanwhile, I had planned my funeral.

Well, I told you I was crazy. Anyway, Joyce Meyer calls these thoughts, "Evil Forebodings." She used to be like me. I found some translations that do point this out. 

Proverbs 15:15 

International Standard Version
'The entire life of the afflicted seems disastrous, but a good heart feasts continuously.'

New Living Translation
'For the despondent, every day brings trouble; for the happy heart, life is a continual feast.'

I think that when bad things happen to you for long enough you begin to think that is the way of life, that all things could turn out bad and you better be prepared. You don't want to be caught off guard or surprised by tragedy.

Actually, the worst things happened when I least expected it. Death doesn't always come from a long illness, it can be an accident that no one is prepared for. Losing a job can come out of the blue; my fist husband lost his job on Christmas Eve one year. Totally unexpected.

So really, expecting the worst does no good at all and actually makes your life a living hell. Being a mother, I've worried myself sick over my children but God has shown me this is fruitless and stupid. I must trust him to be with my children and my whole family and whatever he allows to happen - trust him implicitly. So, over the years I've done that; if I hadn't, I'd be in a padded cell.

But still, at 65 yrs. old my go-to is worry and sadness. I'll tell you something wonderful though; I've finally learned how not to dwell on my dark thoughts. First, I pray. Second, I write down my feelings to God. Third, I read over positive thoughts that I have put on cards and keep in a tupperware container. Fourth, I refuse to think about whatever was bothering me and think about something pleasant.

Someone might say, "Yeah, I've heard all that before and it didn't help me." Possibly. I'd heard it all before too, but after taking a bunch of sleeping pills and being in the hospital a person has a great motive to work hard. And it is hard work.

My therapist told me to write down my feelings. After a week or two of being okay I plunged into panic mode. Problem: I couldn't remember what she told me to do. So, I prayed and tried to think nice thoughts. Three days later, I remembered. Write feelings down on paper. Sheesh.

If I've learned anything from years of off and on therapy it is this: You get better so you quit therapy. Weeks or months pass and the depression and worry slowly returns. Why? Because you forget what you were taught. You don't keep up the exercises. You think you are what? Cured I guess. The brain is a weird thing that needs constant reminding. It's like we need daily contact with God and spiritual reading or we slowly but surely go down, down, down.

So, I hope with my vast experience at failing I can help someone! God bless you all. May he wrap his arms around you and give you a big kiss.

What Do You Do When You are Anxious?

I have mentioned before that I have a mental illness but there are probably some reading this who don't know that. Anyway, I have social phobia, traumatic stress disorder and Obsessive thinking and when I'm really sick, I have delusions. Lots of fun.

I am back in therapy since I got very sick this fall. She is helping me think differently; I am a negative thinker, especially about myself. I started to write journals with the help of Brave Girls Club. I find this helpful.

The last two weeks, my sister was visiting from Washington State. She is the one who is homeless. She used to live with us but was too allergic to the pollens here and had to leave. Since she was here, my mom and daughters came to visit a lot and I used to love all the hustle and bustle; but now I am sick and it was hard.

I felt anxious right away and it got worse so I said to myself, "What did my therapist say to do?" For the life of me I couldn't remember. So, I just decided to thank God for what was good and I felt a bit better. The next day I re-read my journals which helped a lot. The third day, I remembered. I'm supposed to write down my feelings if they are overwhelming so I did. I write in the form of a prayer, giving these feelings to God. Each day I felt more peace and I thank God for his strength.

I realized, from reading my first journal, that I wasn't saying positive things every day. This is the most important thing for me to do and I didn't do it. I always wonder why I seldom keep up with the things I am supposed to do. It is so alien for me to think on purpose instead of just going along with whatever comes into my head.

Tonight, I am going to print out positive thoughts and cut each one out and put them in a box so when I feel bad I will run to the box for help. I thought I'd share this idea with those of you who are depressed and negative.

So, why is a Christian depressed and negative? Well, childhood abuse. So, why aren't I all healed up at 65 yrs. old? I don't know and I don't care. I have to keep plugging along with the life God gave me. He didn't give me depression; he helps me walk through it. If I were smarter or had more faith maybe I'd be a ball of sunshine! Hasn't happened, and as far as I can see it never will. Sunshiny thinking is something I will work on til I go to heaven and that's okay. Endurance is a fruit of the Spirit and God will give it to me.  Love to all of you.